


Love and Integrity

by TurboNerd



Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, Cookies, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Headcanon, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-03
Updated: 2015-05-03
Packaged: 2018-03-28 20:38:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3869002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurboNerd/pseuds/TurboNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex with Morrigan or death? Are those really the only options? The Grey Warden and Alistair must choose between their integrity and their lives.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love and Integrity

They had been sitting by the hearth silently for over an hour, tenderly caressing each others hands, sharing loving stares. It was grim and beautiful.

“Alistair?” she spoke softly, nervously, not sure how to ask what has been whirling through her mind for the past few days.

“Hmm?”

“I don't want this whole... death thing...for you. Could you... please, let me kill the archdemon? Let me have the killing blow?” she knew it was a long shot but she had to try.

“Think about what you're asking for, here. Am I supposed to not take the shot because you might get to it later? I can't promise that. My chance might be the only chance. I get what you're saying though, you want to die instead, right? You expect me to agree to that?” 

“Fuck.” she pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and tried not to cry. “I'm so scared. How are you so brave right now? I used to be so fearless until... now I have something to lose.”

“We don't know what's going to happen. I take comfort in that quite a bit. Just let it be a mystery to unfold.”

“It's not that mysterious, Alistair. I die, you die, or we both die. That's it. Those are the options.” with that she did sob a little, breathing it back and continuing. “This is bullshit. Fucking bullshit. After all we have done.”

“It has to be done, love. My only hope is that I don't lose you.” he closed his eyes, spoke softly, swallowed his tears away.

“Right, and therefore you should do it. You should kill the archdemon and leave me alone here... alone... without _you._ What exactly do I have here without you? No family, friends who are only tied to me out of a sense of duty. This is bullshit.” she felt like a child throwing a tantrum, but as far as she was concerned she deserved one; this really is bullshit. 

“You're being hard on yourself-” Alistair tried to put his arms around her but she backed away. 

“Just _don't._ Don't fucking comfort me. I need to... I need to be alone.” she went away sniffling, and Alistair watched her walk and stumble, shoulders jerking; he heard the word _“bullshit!”_ followed by more hiccups and choked up sobs. 

Wanting more than anything to comfort her right now, he knew not to chase her. _If I walk away, Alistair, don't follow me!_ Sometimes she got like this... needed space. She would be back in a few minutes, more at ease, available to be held. He sat back down and waited for her.  
_______________

“The Grey Warden, on the eve of battle wanders around outside sobbing like a child.”

“Shut up, Morrigan.” she sniffled. 

“'Tis not my intent to tease you always, I have this for you.” she handed her a chocolate chip cookie. “You call this your comfort food, I had imagined you needed comforting.”

Sobbing a little more she bit her cookie. “Thanks.” she squeaked, crying silently and chewing slowly.

“You do not seem to be comforted.” 

“I kind of am.” she sniffled, taking another bite of soft, chocolaty heaven. They sat in silence for a while in the grass. The Grey Warden wiping her tears away, Morrigan staring into the sky. “I'm afraid of dying. I'm even more afraid of Alistair dying.”

“ _More_ afraid of Alistair dying? How does one manage to screw up one's priorities so thoroughly? I had been waiting outside your quarters for some time. When I saw you leave Alistair's room I followed. I have a plan, you see. A way out. The loop in your hole. I know what happens when the archdemon dies. I know a Grey warden must be sacrificed, and that sacrifice could be you. I have come to tell you this does not need to be.”

“What the- okay so, you know about a way to _stop us from dying,_ and here I am, sobbing over a delicious cookie, thank you by the way, why haven't you said anything before? Honestly Morrigan, you... okay, what's your idea? 

“I offer a way out. A way out for all the Grey wardens, that there need be no sacrifice. A ritual... performed on the eve of battle, in the dark of night.”

“Wow. Alright, a ritual. In the dark of night. I see. So... I'm imagining it's likely better than death.”

“What I propose is this: convince Alistair to lay with me. Here, tonight. And from this ritual a child shall be conceived within me. The child will bear the taint, and when the archdemon is slain, its essence will seek the child like a beacon. At this early stage, the child can absorb the essence and not perish. The archdemon is still destroyed, with no Grey warden dying in the process.”

Her stomach clenched, and The Grey Warden put her cookie down, as it had begun to taste like ash.

“You're totally serious, aren't you?” she narrowed her eyes. “Well. Okay, let's play this game. I'll give you a sentence stem. You and Alistair fuck, you get pregnant, and then...”

“A child will be born with the soul of an Old God. After this is done, you allow me to walk away.... and you do not follow. Ever. The child will be mine to raise as I wish.”

“Oh yes! That's so much better than dying! Brilliant! Thank you Morrigan for the “way out.”

“'Tis better than dying! I don't understand what the problem is, one simple task-”

“No, I don't understand how you could imagine it being _just_ a simple task. That things could feel the same for me knowing he... and... do you have any idea how fucked up this is? Do you have any idea how absolutely repellent he finds you? How could I possibly ask him to do that?”

“'Twould not be as bad as he probably imagines.” she spoke with a sly grin.

“ _UGH._ Don't say that! You made it worse! Not only fucking someone else, but having a great time doing it! Just go ahead and twist that dagger, Morrigan. You're lucky I have come to terms with your social and emotional ineptitude.”

“ _You_ are fortunate I have come to terms with your incessant tantrums.”

“Wait, we're fighting again. We talked about this already. Let's not.”

“'Tis you who started this. I don't suppose your moon approaches?”

“Really, Morrigan?”

“ _Really,_ Grey Warden?” she mocked.

The pouted at each other, staring daggers and being silent for a while.

“You said you grew up in the wilds, where is all of this sexual prowess coming from that you want to wow my beloved with?”

“Clearly I must not be without experience.”

“Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying. Come on, you _must_ tell me _everything._ ”

“Oh, you're curious! Too bad.”

“Spoilsport. So why does it have to be Alistair? Can't someone else do it?”

“Oh we are still talking about this?” she glared at her, sighed and continued. “I need one who has not been tainted for long-- it must be him, and it must be tonight.”

“Okay I got that part, why does it have to be _you?_ ”

“Because I want the child, of course.” 

“So it _could_ be me, but you won't do that because you want an Old God baby. Heartbreak or death. Thanks for the fucked up double-bind, Morrigan.” she stood up to leave.

“Wait!” she spoke urgently. “You're the only friend I have ever had... I care.”

“I care about you too, Morrigan. Very much. I may die tomorrow, but at least I would die knowing my integrity is in tact.” 

“ _Please_ , at least speak to Alistair!” she called after her.  
_______________

“You came back.” Alistair stood up and met her halfway, they clung to each other sweetly. “You were gone so long. And you smell like cookies.”

“Yes, Morrigan gave me a cookie.” she spoke with a pang of remorse at remembering she left the other half behind.

“I've never heard of Morrigan being _nice_. What's she on about?” they sat down by the hearth together. 

“Oh. You know. The usual. She wants you to impregnate her so she can have an old god baby and we both get to survive the archdemon.”

“And she thought _cookies_ would make something like that go over better?” he chuckled.

“I... actually don't believe the two were related... but... she... come on here, Alistair. You're making this hard.”

“Wha- you're serious? Sex with Morrigan or death? What kind of choice is that?”

“It's... all we got.” she sighed and looked away.

“You actually want me to do that?”

“I'm not making any decisions for you anymore, Alistair. One of these days I'm going to choose something for you that you can't forgive me for, and this could be that choice. You know the options. Pick one.”

“But... your opinion matters in this. You are my beloved, my best friend. I... need you in this. Your life is on the line, too. Why won't you look at me?”

“Choose. Sex with Morrigan or death.” still looking at the floor. 

After a long and awkward silence, her heart broke when he got up and walked away. Without even changing out of her leathers she laid on his bed and cried herself to sleep.  
_______________

The creak of the door woke her abruptly. Her heart leaped into her throat. _No, no I don't want to face this, I don't want to be awake, I want to just sleep until battle and then die... but no, I won't get the pleasure of death now because-_

The bed shifted with Alistair's added weight, and she cringed when she heard the clunk of his armor as it hit the floor. _He didn't even bother to redress after he-_

“Love?” he spoke to her gently. “I know you're awake. I just want you to hear me out on this.” he sighed deeply.

“Alright.” she spoke, her voice telling of the tears shed and the ones about to fall.

“I spoke to her, she told me everything. She also... pleaded with me, told me you're her best and only friend. She loves you and is afraid, said she would do this to save you even if she was getting nothing in return. I'm sorry. I made my choice. I can't do this. I... she's... not you. I hope you can forgive me. If this is my last night alive I want it to be with you.”

With that, she leaped at him and kissed him hard, ravenously, tears of relief and fear falling between their lips.

“You're alright with this, love?” he asked breathlessly.

“ _Yes._ Yes.” she sat up against the headboard. “I... don't want either of us to die, but if we must, I want us to do it right. Without shame or remorse. Thank you. Thank you for choosing this path with me.”

“I fucking adore you.” he whispered. Tears welled in his eyes, he looked fierce, passionate, he leaped on her.

Fighting briefly with her leathers, he undressed her quickly, and then himself. This was his final night with her, he wanted her to feel everything, his love, passion, adoration, reverence.

He kissed her all over, ran large calloused hands over every curve, every scar, and when he pleasured her with his hands and tongue he stayed with her until she told him, trembling, panting, sweating, _no more, my love._

Then he took her. He wanted her to feel how she has changed him. From curious and gentle to a man that knew how to take her, knew how to make her scream his name; they did that together. 

“I love you. You're everything to me.” he whispered, thrusting into her trembling body, making her squeal and squeak and moan his name over and over.

He took her on the bed, on her back, legs over his shoulders; picked her up and took her standing, then rested her back against the wall using gravity to give her more, harder, each thrust intentional and an expression of his love and adoration.

Bringing her to completion more times than he bothered counting (which he does, sometimes), he laid her on the bed and gave all of himself to her. Unraveling, moaning his own completion, spilling as far into her as he could reach... it felt so right, perfect. 

“Thank you, I love you.” with teary eyes they exchanged sweet words expressing their love and gratitude for each other, for the beauty of what they have together, kissing and caressing each other tenderly until sleep took them.  
_______________

Wild dreams dominated her that night. She dreamed of Morrigan and her ritual. She dreamed of Alistair giving himself to her, she heard the mutterings and chants of her dear friend's voice, visions of a bleeding hand, a belly filled with life. She tried to brush away the pain, writhed against it.

Alistair tried rousing her with a nudge and gentle words until she had begun to moan loudly, her back arching, white knuckled hands pulled at the sheets beneath her. As she appeared to be asleep and still trying to get up, Alistair pinned her down.

 _“Wake UP!”_ he yelled, right before she screamed. “You're dreaming, it was all a dream.” He was laying on top of her, holding her wrists, breathless and eyes wide. “You... you scared me. Are you alright? Are you in pain?”

“I'm alright, I was asleep. I had a dream.” she spoke breathlessly and feeling shaky. “Is it time to wake up for war now?” she spoke groggily. He chuckled at the soft, childlike expression on her face, relaxing and releasing his grip on her.

“No, love. We still have a few hours. I have never seen you thrash like that all because of a dream.” he gathered her in his arms and held her close. 

“It's our last night together.” she spoke softly, letting sleep overtake her. 

“I know.” he stroked her hair tenderly. “And tomorrow is our last day together. We will fight bravely. For the Grey Wardens.”

_______________

A long, hard battle lead them here; exhausted, on the top of Fort Drakon, this is where the fate of Thedas unfolds.

They fought hard together, supporting each other as well as Zevran and Wynne. Surprisingly, they both knew it, when it was time. They looked at each other, looked at the conveniently placed longsword, and back at each other.

“No.” the Grey Warden demanded, shaking her head and pointing at him, and he ran. _“Alistair no!”_ she called after him. He was much faster than her; his longer, more powerful legs carrying him so quickly. 

As he ran with the sword she gave chase. As he sliced through the head of the archdemon she gave chase. And as he plunged the sword through its skull and his cry rang out, she gave chase. 

She felt her heart being crushed as she saw him grimace and struggle. _I'm watching my beloved die. I can't believe this is happening. This can't be real._ Even with knowing all along that it could happen, nothing could have prepared her for this. She finally caught up to him and placed her hands on his. 

He only saw her face for a few moments; pale, dirty, blood spattered, tears rolling down her cheeks, _”take me with you!”_

Then she felt it; building pressure within and outside of her, blindingly bright light, she had never imagined she would feel so relieved to know she was going to die, and if it weren't for the agony she was experiencing she would have smiled.  
_______________

She woke with a groan and dragged herself up slowly from the ground. Apart from feeling exhausted and unsteady as the world slowly spun in front of her eyes she was scraped, bruised and battered, however, largely uninjured. 

“Oh... no.” she felt her panic rising. _If I'm alive... then he... but I felt it..._ She looked around frantically. “No... no...” ignoring the cheers of others as they called out to each other, she felt like she was running circles until she saw him. 

Her blood froze, her throat closed and she began to stumble and run toward him. She slipped in the copious amount of blood surrounding him, scrambled back to her feet, taking what felt like ages to reach him.

“Alistair?” she panted. With trembling hands she removed his helmet and stared at his placid face. Stuck between a place of agony and numbness, she reached out to touch him three times and couldn't. She gave up. Arms limp, face fallen, she heard voices but couldn't listen, she felt sick, horrified, abandoned. Her head throbbed, the ground felt unsteady under her knees and all went dark.

Alistair stirred moments later. He gazed upward as his eyes cleared and the sky came into focus. Peripherally he saw the motion of dark hair stirring gently in the breeze. _No, I killed the archdemon, this... this is wrong. I shouldn't be here._

Struggling to shift onto his side he vaguely felt the presence of others coming toward him. Pulling himself up to his knees, he pulled her into his arms. Expecting her to be dead, the shock of seeing the steady rise and fall of her breath had him cry out, tears fell quickly as he held her close to himself, rocking her gently and kissing her face and neck.

“The war is over, love. It's over, we made it.”

Gathering her in his arms, gritting his teeth at the pain in his hip and ankle, he ambled his way toward where Wynne was hoisting herself from the ground. Her soft, mournful gaze as she saw him limp toward her with the Warden Commander in his arms did not last once she noticed him tearfully smiling at her.  
_______________

“Duty calls, love.” she was the strong one this time. “We shouldn't be apart for long, I imagine.”

“We shouldn't be apart at all! I don't feel right about this. You need me with you more than you need me to go darkspawn hunting. I'm not the only one who can do that! Talk some sense into her, Wynne.” he spoke hopelessly as she approached, just _knowing_ Wynne will take her side as always. 

“You might want to trust his intuition, this time at least.” she sized up the Warden Commander with a smile. 

_“What?”_ they both said, surprised.

“You haven't noticed?” she spoke playfully. “The abrupt halt in your cycle, the sickness every morning, the fatigue plaguing you mid-day when your energy is usually at its peak?”

“Grey Wardens can't do that!” Alistair jumped back.

“Oh fuck.” the Warden Commander flapped her hands through the air in her _I knew it, I just hoped it would go away_ panic. “Oh fuck. Oh fuck. That's what that was! Old God baby. Oh fuck.”

With that Alistair roared, laughed, hoisted her up and lifted her into the air as if she were weightless. Wrapping her legs around his waist she couldn't help but laugh and feel grateful for her dearest friend that had vanished the day of the final battle.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping that the story implied well enough that Morrigan did her blood magic ritual thing to the Grey Warden from some other place other than physically with the Grey Warden.
> 
> This is the main reason I need a beta reader willing to help me out once in a while, if anyone is available for that let me know!


End file.
